Two years ago I was in New York City for training for work. I had just come off my first half marathon. Running a marathon had not crossed my mind. But, then I saw the City preparing for one of the largest marathons in the world. And a thought crept into my mind, maybe just maybe I should…could run the NYC Marathon. If you know me, once a thought has entered my brain, I’m going to research the heck out of it and do it. I hadn’t even been running for a year at this point and as I said, literally just finished running my first half marathon. Yet, during my run from my hotel to Central Park it became clear to me that I would run the New York City Marathon. Shortly, thereafter I learned that you could register to run by fundraising for various charities, including the Alzheimer’s Association. At the time my father was years into his battle with Alzheimer’s and the thought of fundraising and running for the Alzheimer’s Association gave my running new purpose. I quickly became acquainted with the woman who organized the charity race entries for the Alzheimer’s Association and marked my calendar for when I could register. This friends is how my quest to run the NYC Marathon began….in October of 2019. In March of 2020, March 8th to be specific I actually registered for the 2020 NYC Marathon. I was beyond excited, until like all other major races the marathon was canceled.
So here we are the end of October 2021, two years later and one week away from the 2021 New York City Marathon. God love my husband who has lived the ups and downs of the stress of this whole process- of registering, the sadness of the race being canceled, the questions of whether I would be able to run this year when the marathon was canceled in 2020. That’s not even going into the amount of marathon talk that has been going on over the last few months. Holy cow- what would normally be a twelve week training cycle has basically been 24 months. It is hard to believe that I’m eight days away from running the race that I have been mentally and physically preparing for the last two years. Many have asked “how are you doing?” The answer is simple- I know I’m physically ready. I know mentally I can go the distance. BUT, I know full well I’m going to be a bundle of emotions. The experience is going to be a tad bit different from my solo marathon around my neighborhood that I ran last Fall. I’m eager to take in all the sights, sounds and the full marathon experience in the greatest City in America. I’m excited for the boys to see a major marathon in action. I’m also totally nervous about all the logistic details. The getting to the bus, the start line and the waiting to start. My Type A mind is on overdrive trying to anticipate all the things I “might” need. I also know full well that I’ve put all of my dad dying energy into my running and preparing for this race. So I’m going to be an emotional mess as I cross the finish line. While he won’t be here to know that I did it, I’m certain he’s going to be watching me every step of the way, that he will be the wind at my back carrying me through five Burroughs and over 5 bridges.
You too can follow along using the TCS New York City Marathon App. My bib number is 19353. Mentally I have an A and a B goal. While the big goal is to finish the damn race. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have a time goal floating around my head too. More importantly I want to take in and enjoy the entire experience. Never in my life did I think that I would run across the Verrazano Bridge?! Stay tuned for updates next week when I’ll compare my solo marathon from 2020 with the experience of running the largest post Covid marathon in NYC with 33,000 of my closest running friends.
It’s October 2nd. September was literally the longest, yet shortest month ever. Anyone else find September to be complete madness? It’s back to school- and everyone is getting back into a routine. For me it’s the height of Jewish holiday season- which means lots of meals and time at services. While I enjoy both- when they fall “early” and in the middle of the week it just makes life a bit more challenging. This year I added the whole still transitioning to my new job, I have lots of night events to the mix. And this year and only this year it will also be the month after my father died. The time when I keep going left foot, right foot, getting the things done knowing something totally random had the potential to set me off at any time. It was my highest mileage since June. It was also a read four books kind of month. September was a MONTH. But here we are and it’s October. I’m sitting outside with a sweatshirt- (oh man I love fall weather), blogging, meal planning and downloading my next read to my Kindle (despite having a stack of books that keeps growing in my room to read). But I’m also sitting here thinking that a quarter of the year remains. While part of me is already thinking of goals for 2022 (yes, I already have my Erin Condren planner ready to go) the other part of me is like slow your roll you have a quarter of this year remaining to do great things.
A few years ago I started setting goals for the year- writing a letter to myself of the things that I hoped to accomplish for the given year. FYI the first year I did this I just realized was 2020. I’m sitting here laughing because we barely got quarter of 2020 in before Covid hit. In looking at my list for 2021 some of the items are checked off; others will not get accomplished (sorry to say 1500 miles is looking like it isn’t going to happen) but there’s still time for others. Like running an in person marathon!! Here I come NYC!!! Or sneaking away for the weekend with my husband. This year isn’t over- there is a lot still to come- a lot to still focus on! Time to double down on the focus and keep moving forward.
Basically most of my thoughts are focused on the NYC Marathon right now. It’s a little over a month away. Once it’s over it will practically be Thanksgiving and before you know it the year will be over. Yikes!! Now it’s time to start holiday shopping! I’m joking- but really it’s time to get started and cross that stuff off your list! PS I highly recommend Book of the Month…basically for everyone! It has helped broaden my reading repertoire and reconnect with my best friend from college. It’s also like I’m already mentally preparing to check out after the marathon, like my year will be over. Clearly it will be far from over, but I’ll be cruising with my miles for the remainder of the year and pick up more strength training as I won’t be as concerned about miles.
So what are some way to close out this last quarter of the year with a bang?? Those goals or resolutions, if you are a resolution maker can actually happen now. You don’t need to wait until 2022 to drink more water and less wine- exercise more or get more organized. Start doing it today!!! It’s a little dorky- but then again so am I, but I make little check boxes in my planner for the things I want to focus on. There’s just something about checking off the box to give me the satisfaction of knowing that I made that item a priority. For example, I’m going to be dialing in on my nutrition this month and water consumption. And also- getting back to bed by 10:00 PM. In other words- trying to get my body as physically ready as possible to run the NYC Marathon.
But I’m also over here thinking about my reading goal for the year. My goal was 36 books. The start of the year was slow with reading because I was reviewing NYU applications so my reading really picked up in March. I’m at 34 books right now. So now I’m thinking- can I read 48?? I feel like I have the ability to get another 10 books read before the end of the year. So I’m doubling down on that goal too- bumping 36 books to a reach goal of 48, but probably a more realistic goal of 44. But we shall see. Which you know, already has me thinking about whether I can read 52 books next year. Keep in mind I read 16 books last year, so I’ve already doubled that with more to come. I might be a little overzealous with my goal of 52 (kind of like I was with running 1500 miles have running 1300 and change last year- but I’m definitely considering it for 2022.
So what are you going to do with the remaining quarter of the year? There are the things we can control and the ones that we have no control over. Covid has certainly taught me that. I don’t like it, but I’ve come to accept it a bit better. Focus on the things you can control. Take charge in the areas of your life that you know need focus today- don’t wait for some day in the future. Oh and balance that with understanding you can only do so much. Enjoy the time with family and friends, curl up with the book, go for a walk. Let’s crush 2021 and go into 2022 stronger. That’s not to say 2021 was perfect…far from it. But that we took the highs and lows from the year and allowed them to make the best versions of ourselves. And that best version of us is closing out 2021 strong while banging on 2022’s door saying I’m ready- let’s do this!
I’m half way through my training cycle for my first in person marathon. That’s right- I ran my first marathon virtually in October of 2020 when NYC was canceled because of Covid. I had the opportunity to defer my guaranteed entry and learned that I would have the chance to run in 2021. As the marathon wasn’t run in person last year this is still the 50th running of the NYC marathon. This is what I wanted. I wanted to run the 50th Anniversary year- I wanted to run for my 40th birthday (which was in January), so I guess I’m just extending the birthday fun. When this adventure began it was to honor my Dad, by running and fundraising for the Alzheimer’s Association. Less than two month ago my dad lost his battle with Alzheimer’s. So now I run to honor his memory. I was already a bundle of emotions, when I ran virtually last year, but now my emotions are on overdrive.
I’ve been cautiously optimistic as I started my training cycle that the marathon will go off as scheduled. The closer we get to November 7 and the further I get into my training cycle the more optimistic I am that the marathon will happen and I will really toe the line in Staten Island. Things suddenly became very real this past weekend. I had my first longer run (12 miles) at marathon pace. My biggest challenge when running an in person race is to keep my cool at the start and not go out too hard. I imagine I am not alone with that “problem.” There’s so much adrenaline at the start of race- the excitement of running with others- the support along the route to keep going. I’m not sure I can even begin to fully appreciate what it is going to feel like on race day morning. So here I am six weeks to race day and in full freak out mode. I’m trying to anticipate all the things- what is it really going to be like to wait in the starting village for HOURS? What is the weather going to be like? What throw down items of clothing should I pack? Should I get arm sleeves/warmers? How much water should I carry? How am I going to make sure my phone stays charged? What if my watch battery dies? Will the new Apple Watch come out in time?? What in the world is my family going to do all that time while they wait for me? What am I going to want for dinner when I’m done? We would really go back and cheer on the other runners after I finish. This is just a sample of all the practical questions and thoughts running through my mindI’m thinking about. This isn’t even taking into account all of the emotions- I cried last year as I went out to run by myself. I can’t imagine the emotion as I begin to cross the Verrazano Bridge! Forget about when I see my family and enter the park to finish. This is not a DNF situation. Come hell or high water I will cross the finish line! That said- no pressure right??
I’m also in that window where staying healthy is key. There’s not much time for illness or injury to happen and get fully better without derailing this portion of the training. Granted if I accepted the idea that my only goal should be to finish- I could pack in the training now and know that I could finish a marathon. But I don’t want to “just finish.” I want to enjoy the experience. I want to take in the entire experience and I want to honor my father’s memory with each and every step. Again…no pressure! I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the unwavering support I get from my amazing husband. But for him believing in me, helping with the boys and making sure they were always there to cheer me on I couldn’t do it. I’m truly blessed and grateful.
I looked back at my posts from my last training cycle and felt grateful that I took the time to blog each week about that week’s runs. This weekend after my 12 miler the outside of my left knee feels funny- sore, tight. This isn’t a new pain, just a pain I haven’t had for a while. So I went back to my notes. It actually was’t until week 10 of training that this same knee pain popped up last year, but much worse- like couldn’t run much worse. I opted to lift this morning rather than do my scheduled run. Experience gives you a lot of things- when it comes to training it gives you the confidence to modify your running plan to listen to your body and hopefully avoid a more serious injury. We shall see what tomorrow brings as I go for a nice and easy few miles on the treadmill. Knock wood this go round, I’ve managed to avoid the nagging hip pain that plagued me through most of the last marathon training cycle. That said, I’ve fallen into the same trap of focusing on the miles and letting the cross training/lifting go. The last two weeks I’ve been a little bit better and added one lifting day. Core and strength training are really just as important as the miles so it’s important to make the time to get both the miles and the strength training done!
So what will the next six weeks bring?? Lots and lots of overthinking just about everything. Talking to my friend, Suzy of RunLIftMomPod, who will talk me off the wall and give me some helpful pointers. I will select an outfit…and a backup. I’ll commit to shoes, socks, waist pack- the whole nine yards, while likely packing back ups of everything. Deep down I know I can do it, I just need to get over not controlling the logistics and go with it. I can only prepare so much- the other pieces will fall into place. I will trust my training. I will take in the experience. Less than 40 days until the NYC Marathon!! On your mark, get set- GO!!!
Let’s be real life is always a balancing act right? Kids, work, working out, volunteering, time for your spouse, the house, laundry, more laundry. As the years go on the balancing changes. For example, when the boys were young and I was a stay home mom- it was balancing finding time to shower and make dinner with feedings, diaper changes and nap schedules. Then they got a little bit older and it was balancing having two kids instead of one. Trying to make their schedules mesh. Then one starts school, one is home and you are doing all the mommy and me activities. You get the idea as years pass by we are just changing the things that are always at a delicate balance. I laugh because Covid has just made the balance like a see saw. Every time we think we are in a good place there’s some sort of monkey wrench thrown into the mix.
Last year for the first time in my years as a mother both of my children were in school full time for the very first time. I had this grand plan for a life of luxury. I would drop them off, have time during the day to train for my marathon, read, write. I laugh, because within moments of them both being in school I started subbing basically full time at school. Let’s be real, I’m not really the take it easy, have a lot of time on your hands kind of person, so this wasn’t a huge surprise. We figured out the balance and it worked out well. I was happy to be at school with the boys and they were happy to have me there. I learned a lot about myself and the fact that I was really ready to go back to work.
Fast forward to July of 2021. Back to work full time- for real. I was a host of emotions- worried that I couldn’t truly find the balance, worried that I couldn’t remain the mom that I wanted to be to the boys. We quickly got into our summer routine and realized…this will work! Not only would it work, it was really important for the boys to see me doing something beyond being their mom. I’m not for one moment saying being a mom isn’t enough. Quite honestly, if you are blessed to be a mom I consider it the number one and most important “job.” That said, it was healthy for them to see me working on projects and doing other things. Once I got settled I realized how much I needed this for me too. So I worked on getting acclimated. The boys enjoyed camp and we got into a routine- a balance so to speak.
Then the balance was thrown out of whack…my dad died. While he had been battling Alzheimer’s for years, this sudden decline and death seemingly came out of no where. Understandably so the balance that we were just holding onto got undone. It would have remained undone but for the fact that school was starting as was marathon training. Time to kick it into high gear when all I wanted to do was nothing at all.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that marathon training began the week after my dad’s funeral. The reason I caught the marathon bug was to fundraise for the Alzheimer’s Association. He was my why for doing this big scary thing called running the NYC Marathon. The week following his funeral I couldn’t have been less motivated to lace up my shoes and run, but I’m a stickler for following the training plan. So in a good way it forced me to get my butt in gear, lace up my shoes and put one foot in front of the other.
Shortly thereafter would come the true test- back to school madness was about to begin. I think we can all agree that September is a crazy month. Everyone is getting back into routine and there are so many new things- new activities, back to school night, etc. etc. Throw into the mix that I had several programs for work in addition to the Jewish holidays along with the back to school madness/marathon training. Oh my goodness- it was a blur!! By the end of each day I am completely exhausted and falling asleep most days when the boys go to bed. But like always, we somehow found the balance and made it work. We still found the time for books and snuggles and movies. We found the time to discuss, highs, lows and buffalos each day. The boys found ways to help me get ready for events at work and we enjoyed more than one golf cart ride together. Was it easy? Heck no. Would I trade it for the world? Also no. Someone recently asked me how I was really doing regarding my dad. The truth is, there are good days and bad days. There are moments that set me off for no reason. I think the crazy schedule and being busy helped. He wouldn’t want me to be sad. He was always hustling and working hard. He’d be happy to know that I am too.
At the end of the day- I couldn’t be happier with my new job or the fact that I get to work where the boys go to school. I joined an amazingly supportive community, where family still comes first. I work hard, mom hard and run hard everyday. All while finding time to read for pleasure- my other guilty pleasure. We’ve found our balance…for now! Until something changes and we work to find the balance again!
Back in 2019 my first “long” race was the Charles Street 12, aka Chuck12. I love the idea of the race starting in Towson, not far from where I used to work, going past the hospital that I delivered the boys, continuing past where I went to law school and ultimately finishing at Under Armour Headquarter in Baltimore City. When I ran this race two years ago it was going to be my longest race to date and I didn’t really know what to expect. But when I toed the line this year, I’ve run a variety of half marathons and a virtual marathon. Plus, there’s nothing like having a real sense of the course. I wasn’t a newbie runner- yet still had that nervous energy as we got started. Even with Chuck 12 being my ultimate favorite race, I almost didn’t go. Last week was crazy- start of school, Jackson’s birthday, big event at work, all on the heels of a long month following my father’s death. But this was a real life racing opportunity, how could I pass it up?
I’m not going to lie, I was super sad and frustrated when racing got “covid cancelled” for much of 2020 and into 2021. I missed the opportunity to have a race setting push me to run my very best and test my training. I ran all the virtual races and it was just not the same. It took seemingly forever for racing to return to Maryland. It wasn’t really until June of 2021 when races started to happen in person. In October of 2020, I “raced” my virtual marathon and then basically had been in maintenance running mode for months, with no real race on the horizon. The June race that I ran was a last minute entry and a really tough course. I was of course happy that I did it- when I was done. Up next was the Frederick Half. This was a race I had deferred from 2020, that was supposed to be in May but was in July. Ugh- Maryland in July is hot and humid. Overall that day proved to be decent weather conditions, but my time was not my best, nor was it my worst. Again, I was so happy that I did it and my husband and sons were there to cheer me to the finish. But really my two racing experiences in 2021 had proven hard and didn’t yield the time results I had been hoping for. So clearly, I knew despite the long week- month- and migraine I was running the Charles Street 12.
One of the interesting parts of Chuck 12 is it starts and finishes at completely different places- as you would imagine that are 12 miles apart. I’m so fortunate that my husband and boys still enjoy coming out to wait for hours to see me cross the finish line. So they headed to the finish and my friend and I drove to the start of the race. Funny side story- I wear glasses 98% of the time. Maybe on 10 occasions during the year do I wear my contacts. But for whatever reason for races I prefer to wear my contacts so I don’t have to worry about my prescription sunglasses. If I drop or lose my sunglasses I would much rather it be a $25 pair than a $500 pair of prescription lenses. However, since I so rarely wear my contacts I make a lot of rookie mistakes with them. The car ride to the race proved to be one such time. My eyes were super itchy so I scratched them without giving it too much thought. Until, all of a sudden I couldn’t see so well out of my right eye. I thought at first that the contact was dry and tried to generate tears. Then it dawned on me…I had rubbed my contact out of my eye!! Panic set it. I didn’t have glasses with me and I certainly didn’t have another contact. I searched my eye- maybe it was hiding up under my lid. No luck. I carefully looked all around me. No luck. Well, it hadn’t disappeared so where on earth did it go?? We got to the start of the race and did some more searching in the car. As a last resort, I got out and thought maybe looking from a different angle I might see it. Still nothing. So I was resigned to running with on contact, and a migraine that I was keeping at bay with Excederin Migraine. Now if that doesn’t sound like prime condition to run a race, I don’t know what does. Then I got back into the car. Folded up like a creased up taco was my contact on the seat of the car. I then proceeded to break all the contact wearing rules in the book. Took the cap off my water bottle, dropped the contact in and poured some water on in- willing the dried up little contact to come back to life. All of this is quite entertaining NOW- at the time. Not so much. Somehow the contact sprung back to life and I got it back in my eye. Yes, I know it was completely unsanitary. But short of spitting on my contact I wasn’t really sure what else to do. I’ve considered every in person race leading up to NYC a trial run and so the lesson was BRING EXTRA CONTACTS!! I may even bring and old pair of glass that I’m willing to part with too. Something to think about for sure.
Well, now that the contact drama is behind us I could begin to focus on the nervousness and the fact that generates the sensation of needing to go to the bathroom. So I made a bee line for the porta potty line. One would think that one visit would be sufficient as I really hadn’t drank that much, however there was the half marathon when I assumed it was jus the nervous sensation that I needed to urinate- when in fact I really did and I lost nearly two minutes running to a bathroom in the Magic Kingdom. As a result, I never take for granted that it’s nerves and go to the bathroom as many times as possible before the race. This should be really interesting when I have to spend nearly 5 hours waiting to start the marathon in November.
Let’s chat about the weather. The week leading up to the race was hot and humid until the remnants of Hurricane Ida came through and cooled things off considerably. That translated to temperatures in the 50s to start the race, but still some humidity. Overall a beautiful weather day to run a great course. This was part of what got me out of bed the morning of the race. How could I pass up such a wonderful weather day?? That and I’m in a marathon training cycle. The week called for 26 miles and I still had 12 to run as I had planned for the race to complete my weekly mileage. I’m a stickler for following the plan. Either way I was going to be running 12 miles so I might as well make it part of the race.
Speaking of training cycles- when I ran the Chuck 12 last time, I trained for it like it was a half marathon. Did the proper tapering, etc so I would have fresh legs to run on. As I just mentioned I’m in the middle of a marathon training cycle. So there was no taper and I had already run 14 miles this week, including speed work earlier in the week. The week after the race has a key run of 10 miles. So I’m considering myself ahead of the game with having the 12 miles done early. There are those who say don’t race during a training cycle as racing taxes your body differently than training runs. There are others who would say that two months before the marathon having a race like experience isn’t detrimental. I knew I had two options when I showed up on race morning- treat it like a training run and take it easy or run it like a race. Training my mind to have easy runs was a work in progress for a long time, so it’s definitely not at the place that I could have treated this just like a training run…it was a RACE!
Whereas my goals in 2019 were to finish races, I have more specific time goals now. Most of the time they are conservative. Sometimes, like for Frederick because of the heat and humidity I knew I needed to bring my time goal down to a safe number to not over tax my body. In the end I met that goal, but overall didn’t feel solid during the course of the race. When it came time to plan for Chuck 12, I couldn’t quite figure out what I thought my time could be. In 2019 my time was 1:52:28. At the time, that was 5 minutes faster than what I had anticipated would be my finish time. I was beyond shocked when I finished that quickly, as was my family who weren’t expecting me for another 5 minutes or so. Based upon my utter exhaustion and not tapering I was considering 1:48 a solid finish time for 2021. That would be more than 4 minutes better than last time and seemed like a realistic goal. But my reach goal was 1:42. Now that is a broad range! Six minutes faster would mean shaving 30 seconds or so off per mile from my 1:48 goal. That’s a lot of time. That said, 8:30 a mile isn’t too far off what I was doing when I hit my stride before Covid shut everything down. I’ve never run with a pace group during a race, but I’m intrigued by the idea. There were pacers at the race which got my mind thinking. I lined up with the 1:40 pace group. Yes, I know this is even faster than my reach goal, so I needed to have my head examined. But they looked like a fun bunch. I knew I couldn’t really hang with them, but went out with them for the first mile and then settled into my pace. I continual remind myself that I need to run my own race and pace. But here’s what I figured, I would maintain my own pace that felt comfortable, as comfortable as a pace can feel at race pace and try to avoid getting passed by the 1:45 pace group. If however, the 1:45 pace group came up on me I would run with them and still beat my 1:48 initial goal.
After learning to race and take water when it was offered, Covid had me wearing water to train and race. Each is a mental mind shift. Truth be told, I don’t love carrying my own water, but there’s something to be said to be able to drink whenever you would like. It also allows me to have a nutrition pouch whenever it’s convenient because I need some water to wash it down. All this to say, when push came to shove I opted not to carry my own water. It felt good to be traveling light!!
While the course is advertised as down hill, the first six miles or so have a series of hills. I play mind games as I tick off the miles during a race. At first it’s to get under 10 miles. Then I start adding my mileage. Usually once I get to four miles I’m in a solid rhythm and feeling pretty good. So for this race my mental mind games were to get to 6 and I would be halfway done. Then focus on getting to 8- then 10- then at 11 which is when I call to say I’m a mile out and boom I’m done. It’s really not quite that simple, but that’s literally how my mind was working Saturday. At the end of the day- it’s all about what works for you. This is what works for me! This was the first race in a long time that I wasn’t questioning my sanity. I felt solid pretty much the whole time. That is not to say that I wasn’t extremely happy to see the finish line because I was in fact very happy to finish. But the best part of the finish was that it wasn’t super crowded and I had a great view of the boys with their signs. I was waving and smiling to finish up 12 miles. Who would have ever thought?? There is truly something to be said to having family support at the finish line. Sometimes it’s what gets me there and times like Saturday it’s fun to celebrate together!
Best cheering crew!
Because I’m all about the numbers- how did things shake out?? I averaged 8:35 a mile for 12 miles. Not too shabby. There were 953 participants. I finished 247. So not quite the top 25% but not too far off. There were 479 women who ran. I finished 74th. (PS my 8 year old had counted all the women who finished before me and was able to tell me within one of what number woman I was to finish). In my new masters age category of 40-49 there were 152 women. I finished 17th. So, all in all a solid showing, a good race overall and I can’t wait to do it again next year!! The Charles 12 will always hold a special place in my heart.
There are times in life when we think we are fully prepared for what is to come- good or bad. Having a child- major life milestone- the moment when you know he or she is the one.
Before having the boys I imagined both how hard the experience was going to be and how amazing it would be to hold them for the very first time. Truth be told the experience wasn’t as hard as I imagined- but the feeling of absolute awe of the medical staff and quite honestly of my body remains. And there is nothing that compares with that first look, that first hold of your newborn baby. But then I think back to when we were expecting our second child. How on earth could I possibly love this child as much as my first, the one who made me a mother. Well, you know what when he was born my heart doubled in size and I love them equally- we used to say to the moon and back but now have progressed to Pluto and back, because according to my sons that’s even further so that means I love them even more. Truth be told there is NO way I could love them more. I’m grateful each and every day that I get to be there mother. Yes, even on the hard days!!
Think about other milestone experiences. Going to college- taking board exams- getting married. Generally we think we know how good or bad these experiences are going to be. Going to college- initially a huge adjustment- but life changing. I met my husband there and as they say “the rest is history.” The Bar Exam- I imagined it would be terrible- it was somehow even worse than I had even imagined it would be- but I survived. Hard experiences give us new perspective, a new understanding of what is important.
As we get older the experiences change and evolve. Our kids start to grow, as they are supposed to. They need us differently- they go to school. How exciting for them and they have loved it from the very beginning. I cry every single first day of school. No idea why. But I still do.
There are times in life when we are unprepared for for the emotions that come with an experience. You can see all the signs and know what is coming, but yet the experience still stops us in our tracks. Years ago we knew that the Alzheimer’s diagnosis was coming for my dad. Even though he was still in his 50s all the signs were there. Yet, having confirmation still hurt. It was scary to know what was to come. When you have a loved one diagnosed with Alzheimer’s it is a matter of just waiting for when things start to decline and then decline more rapidly. People are kind and ask how he’s doing- and as the years go on there’s a status quo and then the point when you know things are just going to continue to get worse. There is no real way to answer the question when people ask. The whole time you know the end game. They aren’t going to get better…ever. And then even though you’ve known it was going to come some day the some day comes and it’s time to say goodbye. There is nothing in your life that prepares you to say goodbye to a parent. No book you can read, no other experience you can have to prepare you. It’s raw, it hurts, there’s an ache to my core.
My dad took a sharp decline on Sunday. We had a truly heartfelt goodbye via FaceTime. He’s in Arizona and I’m in Maryland. He told me it was time to “take a rest from his rest and not to be upset”. He told me that he loved me. I ugly cried. I knew that was going to be the best last conversation I could hope for given his condition. But yesterday morning I just knew I needed to go to see him. I honestly didn’t know if I was going to make it in time, but I had to try. So today I boarded a flight at 6:45 AM in Maryland and landed in Arizona before 9:00 AM. I got to spend several hours with my dad. I held his hand. I cried. I told him that I loved him and then the time came to give him one last hug. There have been previous times that we thought were going to be the last time I saw him, but this was it. The very last time. There are no words to describe the feeling.
I realize that for some they never get the chance to say goodbye and in many respects I’m “fortunate,” but you’ll excuse me if I’m not feeling too fortunate right now. I still can’t understand the why my dad had to get Alzheimer’s. Why someone who worked so hard all their life had to have their life cut so short by this dreadful disease. I know I will keep working, running and fighting for a cure that someday others don’t have to suffer this way. We have to and can do better- we must #endalz.
I started tracking my mileage more completely in 2020. Prior to that I just ran and had a round about idea of how far I had run, unless of course I was in training cycle and I was hitting my key run and weekly mileage. Cue the pandemic in 2020 and my mileage jumped from on average 65-70 miles a month to 100 miles and steadily climbed to 130 miles a month. I obsessed over keeping track of miles and running streaks. Running was my cure for all the uncertainly surrounding the pandemic. Plus, I had more time than ever to run. It felt like the right amount to run and sooner or later I’ll get back there, but for right now I’m listening to my body and focusing on core/strength training as a component of my overall training.
July was different for a variety of reasons. I ran a Half Marathon at the beginning of the month and wait for it…I actually tapered. That gave me a dip from my normal 25-30 miles a week to just over 19 miles for the week. Following the race, I actually gave my body a day or two to recover rather than going right back into running. For months on end during what I’ll call “pandemic running” I ran every day. Didn’t think twice about it. Insisted my body didn’t need a rest day. And you know what, my body is tired. It needs a rest. And for once I’m actually listening to it. I went back to work full time. My dad entered hospice.
For the first six months of the year I was on pace to reach my overall mileage goal of 1500 miles on the year. In 2019 I ran just over 500 miles, last year I had set a goal of 1000 miles and then upped it to 1300 when I knew I was going to blow by 1000 miles. It’s now the beginning of August and I’ver run 827 miles. After being on pace to hit 1500, I’m now 50 or so miles off pace. Strava was always a fun push to stay on target and right now it just feels like it’s judging me for not hitting my miles. Maybe I was unrealistic when I set my goal. Maybe my year of pandemic running wasn’t really the one to use as a benchmark for setting this year’s goal. Maybe it’s ok if we don’t hit our goals if our priorities are shifting a bit, oh and we go back to work full time, and we have real life stress.
When I started running again in 2019 I had no real expectations of hitting weekly miles or paces for races. The longer I’ve been running the more pressure I put on myself for more miles or set unreasonable expectations for races. Some of the spark has rubbed off and it’s started to feel more like a chore. Marathon training starts again this month and I need to get my head on straight to focus, stay healthy, eat properly and get some sleep. Running the marathon became this grand idea during the pandemic. When racing got canceled I shifted my focus to why I run (in addition to being healthy, setting a good example), but for those who can’t. I realize with each and every step how fortunate I am to be able to physically run. But more importantly, I’m running the NYC Marathon with the Alzheimer’s Association team, to honor my father. It was a two pronged theory- 1) running gave me something to do when I felt helpless and couldn’t do anything for him and 2) I was able to raise important dollars so that we can find a cure for Alzheimer’s. He’s reaching the end of his Alzheimer’s battle. And while I’m full of hurt, pain and emotion the one thing that always helped me feel better- lacing up my shoes just isn’t doing it for me. I didn’t run Saturday just because we had a lot going on. Sunday, came and he was having a particularly bad day. Following a tear filled call I opted for a movie with the boys. But then my youngest said, are you sure you aren’t going to run today too? Like he knew I needed that last little push to get out the door. I went. It was fairly terrible. I opted to run outside because it normally helps me clear my head. I cried a lot and I’m not quite sure the run had it’s desired effect. But my accountability partners- who know how much running needs to me were there to remind me when I was struggling. This is an amazing example of when you’ve made a healthy habit a routine and you fall of the wagon so to speak your “people” are there to remind you of why you do what you do.
Now it’s Monday. Up early, writing this post, rather than running before work. But I still have enough time to squeeze in three easy miles before starting my day. My why remains the same of honoring those who can’t run, of finding a cure for a dreaded disease, of setting a healthy example for my children and taking care of my body. So I will lace up my shoes and put one foot in front of the other. As with any other hard time in life we have to just keep moving forward- one step at a time.
After a long hiatus it seems as though we are returning to racing in person! I say this after having two in person races in just over a month. With the ten-mile race last month I made a variety of rookie mistakes. Things I knew better about doing or not doing. I didn’t taper, heck I didn’t even cut back my miles leading up to the race and somehow I expected to have fresh legs. I didn’t hydrate nearly enough before, during or after the race. So this time around I made a conscious effort BEFORE the race to do ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. I legitimately tapered, cutting back my mileage the week to ten days before the race. Ask any runner what one of the hardest things is about racing…it’s the taper. I made sure to hydrate nearly all week and eliminated wine. I wanted to feel my best to have my best race.
In racing there are things you can control and things that are beyond your control. The Frederick Running Festival was supposed to happen in May. Due to Covid restrictions that were still in place at that time it wasn’t possible for the race to happen then, so it got bumped to July. Maryland in July doesn’t really offer the very best conditions for racing. The heat and humidity have the ability to be debilitating. After the June ten miler, when I was clearly overheated and dehydrated, I knew I couldn’t control the weather but I could control how I made the most of the weather.
I invested in a new hydration vest for starters. It was lighter weight and had flasks in the front of the vest. I found this much more comfortable to wear and more breathable. This also allowed me to carry significantly more water. Further, the ease of the straws almost forced me to drink more along the route. Not going to lie, we got incredibly lucky with the weather. I say that but it was still 70 with 93% humidity at the 6:30 AM start time. So while better than what it could have been it was still a bit toasty. I’d rather run in the 30 degree weather any day of the week!
This was my first half marathon in person race since February of 2020, so 17 months. In that time I’ve been doing a lot of distance running and heck ran my first Marathon. But, let me tell you something- the more races I run, the more pressure I put on myself for a faster or better time. It’s really unrealistic because so much goes into a race time including the course, conditions. Unless you are comparing apples to apples you can’t make a true comparison. I set myself up all week to have a slower race. Heck, I even told my cheering section- hubby and two boys that I was expecting to a slower race and just wanted to finish. Anyone who knows me know that I could have said that over and over again until the cows come home and deep down I’m still competitive with myself and possibly set unreasonable expectations.
Is it possible to race without a flat lay?? Missing from this photo my hydration vest and Huma Gels.
We stayed over in Frederick the night before, which cut down on travel time on race day. Since my oldest son’s friend’s father was also running we all made a weekend of it. It’s been fun to share racing with someone else and the kids and spouses have each other as they wait for us to finish.
Let’s review my previous in person half marathons. My first, was the Baltimore Half in October of 2019. Truly my goal was to finish- but really my goal was for a sub two time. I managed that with time to spare finishing 1:58:18. The weather conditions were ideal, crisp Fall day and the adrenaline of having never run a half marathon before. Up next was the Disney Princess Half Marathon. The weather was unseasonable cool in Florida in February 2020. My kind of weather. There I had a finish of 1:54:34. That time included a very unfortunate need to go to the bathroom which easily added two minutes to my time. So what was I really going to be happy with for this Half Marathon. As much as I said time didn’t matter, it did. I still needed to come in under 2 hours to be satisfied.
I knew that I needed to slow my 8:30 a mile pace down a bit to accommodate for the heat and humidity. But in traditional fashion I took the first 3-4 miles too fast. The course was relatively flat, there was a light rain that would turn into even crazier humidity- think you can see the air kind of humidity and there was the excitement of an in person race. By about mile five however, I was overheated and questioning my sanity. Why exactly did I think running long races was a good idea?? I needed to get out of my head about time and focus on finishing. There is something to be said for knowing that your husband and kids are at the finish line waiting for you. Ask them, they want nothing more than to see me finish and couldn’t care less how long it takes me to run. I am my own worst enemy.
I needed this long run in a bad way. Tapering came at a particularly stressful time. Wednesday before the race, I was offered the job I had applied for a few months back. This was great news and I was super excited. However, it was a quick turn around and I was starting Monday. As in the day after the race and five days after being offered the job. The logistics of making sure the boys were covered and I was going to have the flexibility for drop off and pick up- days off that I needed etcetera were completely stressing me out. So yes, I needed 13.1 miles to run, think and settle myself down.
Running longer races is like riding a roller coaster. So much excitement to start, then usually a questioning of sanity, followed by a I do this for those that can’t, to really three miles to go to I’VE GOT THIS! On this hot day in Frederick I was very grateful for the folks who were handing out bottles of water. While I had plenty to drink I appreciated being able to pour some over my head to cool my internal temperature. As with every race, I dug deep, I channeled my why and I pushed to the end. Interestingly enough the end of the race was on the horse track at the Frederick Fairgrounds. It was literally like running in wet sand to finish-but as is my tradition I called to say I was heading into the back side of the Fairgrounds and that I would see them soon. I finished in 1:56:46. So basically right in the middle of my two previous times. Given the heat and humidity this was definitely a win. And you know what I felt way better after I finished, a good run was truly what I needed.
How do the number shake out? 323/1412 total runners. Not too shabby. 13/91 woman in the 40-44 age range. Overall a very solid run with lots learned along the way. 1) the new hydration vest is a total win, 2) I truly need to keep my pace slower as I prepare to begin training for the NYC Marathon and 3) there’s nothing quite like the runner’s high when you finish a race!
Coming soon- How July was my lowest mileage month and I’m OK with that and Going Back to Work- still making the time to exercise each morning!
In January I hit a milestone birthday, a new decade, a new age category for races. I turned forty. Along with turning forty comes the responsibility of getting your first mammogram. Truth be told I’m diligent about going to the dentist and to the gynecologist. When it comes to going to the eye doctor I generally go when I know my prescription needs to be adjusted. Don’t even get me started about routine bloodwork and physicals. I know, I know I need to do better. But this year I got my act together. I picked one day and did it all. Mammogram, physical, dermatologist. Check, check, check. And I had gotten the bloodwork done ahead of time. I was feeling quite proud of myself for getting everything done. I know you don’t rewarded for just doing what you are supposed to do, but I got it done.
So let’s talk a little about the mammogram experience. So maybe it’s just me but no one really adequately prepares you for this experience. I went to Advance Radiology because that’s where I went for all my ultrasounds with the boys and felt comfortable there. The very kind woman brought me back and clearly even with the mask on I had a deer in headlights look. At which time she said, “ah, it’s your first time.” Well, yes, yes it is and I’m basically terrified. She kind explained what was going to happen. That said, there’s actually no way to adequately prepare you for the squishing that occurs to your breast, but I digress. She had the presence of mind to say- “don’t worry if you get a call back letter; it happens all the time.” She said it. I heard it. I knew it was a possibility. But literally when the letter arrived I thought the worst. I spend so much time being super positive and thinking everything happens for a reason, but my mind when negative and then I couldn’t bring it back. I immediately scheduled the follow up mammogram and ultrasound. All the while, my brain was wondering how this could be possible?
I’d like to take a moment to talk about the letter. Now clearly, this was a letter written by a lawyer in anticipation of avoiding litigation. Somewhere along the line with medicine we lost sight of the human component. That a human being- ME or any number of other women whom I’m sure have received this or a similar letter are receiving the letter. The beginning is fairly benign (pun intended, only because I can laugh about it now).
Your breast imagine exam shows a finding that requires further imaging evaluation. While such findings are benign (not cancer), additional mammographicviews and/or ultrasound is necessary to determine this. Ok, I get this part. They are trying to tell me that more views are necessary, could be benign, which leads to the possibility that things might not be benign. But then, there’s a huge section of By Maryland Law, we are required to provide you with the following information. Friends, there are then three long paragraphs of what they are required to tell me by law. Seriously?? Long and short of paragraph one: my breast tissue is dense. Oh and the determination of density is subjective and may vary from year to year. Paragraph two in summary: density is fairly common, BUT can be associated with an associated risk of cancer. Well, that cuts both ways. Density is common, but it could lead to cancer. What am I supposed to do with that information??? Paragraph three: we tell you this so you can figure out what to do with your doctor.
Like I said, as a lawyer, this was written with a potential lawsuit in mind and not with a human touch…at all. Keep this in the back of your mind, we will circle back to this when we get to the meeting with the doctor part of this saga shortly.k
I go for my follow up appointment at Advanced Radiology. If I was a deer in headlights the first time around, I probably looked like Bambi after seeing their mother get killed this time. First things first, they want to know where my referral is for the appointment. Hello, I’m here because you said I needed to come for a follow up. PS that lawyer written letter referenced above never made mention of getting a referral otherwise I certainly would have done so. So, now I have to wait for them to get my doctor’s office on the phone to get the requisite referral. Giving me plenty of time to worry. I thought I was fine though, had pulled myself together. But I got back into the room for the mammogram and the slow trickle of tears started. Again the technician was trying to be kind and explain that having a call back was “normal” and I likely wouldn’t even need the ultrasound too that they would probably get everything they needed from the mammogram. Alas, that was not the case and I needed the ultrasound too. Which of course triggers to me that something was clearly still showing up as wrong on the mammogram. Time for the ultrasound. Now, I’ve had an ultrasound before, but never have I had an ultrasound with so much pressure. Not only was it uncomfortable but I was also super worried so the tears continued. I wasn’t worried for myself per se, I was so worried about something being wrong and not being here for the boys. That’s what I couldn’t get out of my mind. The technician completed the ultrasound and said she would go speak to the radiologist and return. She came back and said “we will see you back in six months.” But why? If everything is OK why do I need to come back in six months. So again, I’m figuring something is still not quite right.
I reach out to my gynecologist who I expect to say, this is normal and no big deal. This is not the case. She calls me back. I missed the call because I was teaching and got a long message. The take aways being that she never treats anything like it’s benign and I should follow up with a breast specialist. So if I had finally gotten myself collected, that all fell apart and I went into full on panic mode.
Let’s talk a little bit about the second letter from Advanced Radiology: Your breast imaging exam performed on 5/11/2021 shows a finding we believe is probably benign (probably not cancer) but needs follow up. We would like you to return in 6 months to confirm the finding has not changed. Probably benign? What in the world does that mean. It means they don’t know with certainty otherwise it wouldn’t be probably. So again, maybe we shouldn’t use language in letters that can lead to speculation and concern. Maybe we should write letters like these as if a loved one was receiving it in the mail.
I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Sara Fogarty at GBMC Hospital. I had around two weeks to get in to see her. Two more weeks of pretending I wasn’t worried about it when in fact I was really worried about it. More worried about making sure I’m here for my children and husband. More confused as to how this could all be possible. On July 16 I had my appointment with Dr. Fogarty. I was convinced the appointment would lead to more follow up tests and worry. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Dr. Fogarty came in and couldn’t have been a nicer human being. The first thing she said “I’m not worried about these findings at all.” Insert deep breath. It was like she read my mind. She instantly knew that I had been completely worried about this for nearly a month. She took great time to read through the results with me, to show me on the screen the findings, to explain that I’m 40 years old and that’s why my breast tissue is dense as it should be. That the spot in question had no indicia of being malignant. I cannot sufficiently describe how kind, patient and nice Dr. Fogarty was to me. I felt completely comfortable after talking to her and realized that the unknown is what sparks so much worry. But you know what else? We can do better. The medical field can treat people like human beings rather than potential litigants in a lawsuit sending formal letters. And was quick to tell Dr. Fogarty this as well. She didn’t disagree. She was kind and receptive. And went one step further to explain what would happen next. For that six month follow up I would come to her office. There’s an Advanced Radiology there as well. I’ll get my mammogram/ultrasound and then I’ll see one of the people on her team to review the findings before I leave. No need to spend weeks worrying. My questions will be answered immediately. This is how it should be. I cannot even imagine the number of women like me who have spent hours worrying because of vaguely written letters designed to cover the rear end of Advanced Radiology. Let’s do better, let’s explain clearly, let’s return the human touch to medicine!
Show of hands- who is excited for not having to be up and out the door for school every morning?? How many of those hands are still up for those who like the idea of less structure but still need some structure? Do you follow? The idea of not having to get up at 5:00 AM and exercise, shower and get out the door by 7:30 AM is really a beautiful thing. As someone who stayed at home full time with the boys until they were school age, I also recognize that having a bit of structure in our day is critical for survival. While the years are short my friend, some days are LONG, very, very long.
Camp Mom has been a part of every summer. Truth be told some summers were purely Camp Mom. Last summer, for example was the summer of COVID, it was like Camp Mom on steroids because we couldn’t even go anywhere. But we aren’t there we are in 2021. The summer we get to go on family vacation again, the summer we return to camp for a few weeks, another summer where the boys and I have identified the key activities for Camp Mom. I’m not going to lie, I love that they call it that and I love that regardless of the other camp activities that they are signed up for in the summer they both specifically ask for some Camp Mom time too!
So in case you are wondering, I’m one of those Moms. What does that mean exactly? It means that I’m a card carrying Member of Lakeshore Learning. That we have books to stop the summer slide and we start each day with “morning work” after breakfast. I’m not talking hours, but enough time to keep using those skills they worked so hard to gain this year and keep their brains working. Truth be told we haven’t tested this Morning Work routine when actually going to camp, so time will tell for how it works during that time period. But for the first three weeks of summer break and the last three weeks of summer break there will be Morning Work! I’m talking about a little bit of phonics, reading and writing, some math. We make it fun and it’s how we start the day. Then we can check it off our list for the day.
Speaking of lists, I thought it was really important to create a check list of sorts to earn screen time this summer. We were blessed that when the boys’ school pivoted virtually l last year that Jackson received an iPad to take home for the summer and then through the school year. The time came for his iPad to get returned and we made the choice with the fact that we are fingers crossed going to have some family travel coming up to get them each a basic iPad. They love using apps such as Kodable, PBS Kids, EPIC Books, Brain Pop and Brain Pop Jr. In order to limit the number of times I get asked if they can use their iPads, we came up with a system. A daily check list, to get the must do items done before the want item of using the iPad. I’m fully aware that there are going to be some days that we don’t necessarily complete the checklist before getting the iPad time, but at least it’s a guide to strive for each day. Many of these items would/do happen without the use of the checklist, but it’s helpful to have a guide or wish list.
Butterflies make the Camp Mom to do list every summer. We’ve used the same kit for a number of years so we are going to live big and get a new one this year. I’ll order this kit in the next week or two so that we can have later July/Early August butterflies.
This summer we are going to have a new addition. Both boys love coding. Both boys love LEGO. What could be better than the ability to build and then code movements for a LEGO robot?? One of the boys’ STEM teachers was super helpful in determining what I should order. They don’t know it yet, but this week we are going to introduce Spike into Camp Mom. Take a look here! Scratch the they don’t know part- as they just walked up as I was typing. I got delayed as we set up the box of LEGO so that first thing tomorrow….after morning work we can begin building with Spike. Can’t wait to see what fun we can have with this new addition!
I might be the most excited about this next plan for Camp Mom, but I have a feeling the boys will be too. Somewhere along the line they both determined that they like poetry. Carter is obsessed with Shel Silverstein and Jackson loves writing acrostic poems. So, I’m putting together a little poetry unit for Camp Mom. We kicked it off today by making acrostic poems for Father’s Day cards for my dad. FYI POP POP doesn’t really lend itself to too many options, but we made it work. Next we are going to brainstorm words that we want to turn into acrostic poems. Some we will do as individual work but others we will do together and make them funny. It’s something simple but an activity such as this even allows Carter to be thinking about what words start with a particular letter and practice some penmanship all at the same time.
After lunch most days is a time for reading. Be sure to check out my previous post for some reading ideas. The reality is that we spend time reading off an on throughout the day but our organized reading occurs mid afternoon. Spoiler alert I frequently doze off during this reading time as it’s the first time I take a seat for the day. The boys use this as an opportunity to suggest that maybe we should watch a show for a bit so I can rest my eyes.
Outside time is also a must. However, this first week home the weather left a lot to be desired. Oh and we are dealing with cicadas. So we have been sticking indoors for the time being. Once the weather settles down and the cicadas go away we will spend time outside on the playground, playing lacrosse, tennis, in our deck pool. You can never go wrong with bubbles either.
Activities don’t have to be overly complicated and your choice in what to do doesn’t have to mirror ours, but I would argue that having a schedule keeps things on track and increases the chances of you maintaining your sanity. Pick things that you and your kids enjoy learning more about. Another example of a something we are going to work on in the coming weeks is learning all about Maine before our trip there later this summer. So every day isn’t necessarily the same. Our camp weeks will look different too. But I find that the boys and I thrive when we know what to expect out of the day.
Tell me what are you favorite go-to summer activities?
